Let me leave

[lily-hewa]

I see a light crossing through my mind
It tells me I ain’t satisfied
All the love that people showing me it’s all a lie
Man it’s such a big surprise that I’m still alive

I cannot testify
All the wrongs that I have done not sure how it applies
To everything that’s going downhill inside my life
God please man I’ll promise that I’ll make the right…

…Decisions from now on
I’ll give up and move on
From wrongs that I have done.

My treasure it’s all gone
The pressure it builds on
Can’t hold it for too long.

Nobody who calls me
Act like they don’t know me
I know they want me gone.

God please,
If you don’t want me to win just let me leave.

-Lily.H

[druze]

Hey Lily,

Thank you for sharing the poem with us. I really like the tempo of the poem. Please find some ideas that I thought will improve the poem, hope this helps.

1. “I see a light crossing through my mind”
This line creates a strong visual image. However, consider rephrasing it slightly for added impact, e.g., “A light traversing my mind.”
2. “It tells me I ain’t satisfied”
The use of “ain’t” adds an informal and colloquial tone to the poem, which can work if it’s in line with the overall style you want to convey.
3. “All the love that people showing me it’s all a lie”
This line is clear in its meaning, but you might consider rephrasing it for smoother flow, like “All the love people show, it’s nothing but a lie.”
4. “Man it’s such a big surprise that I’m still alive”
This line introduces a surprising element, but it’s somewhat abrupt. You could add more context or emotion to make the surprise more vivid.
5. “I cannot testify”
This line is somewhat cryptic. Consider providing more context or details about why you can’t testify or what you’re referring to.
6. “All the wrongs that I have done not sure how it applies”
This line expresses uncertainty, but it can be made more impactful by providing examples or details of these wrongs and their consequences.
7. “To everything that’s going downhill inside my life”
This line is clear, but you could enhance it by using more vivid language to describe the decline in your life.
8. “God please man I’ll promise that I’ll make the right…”
This line is left unfinished, which can create suspense. Consider completing it in a way that maintains the reader’s interest.
9. “Decisions from now on”
This line is a good start but could be more specific. What kind of decisions are you referring to? Elaborate to give the reader a better understanding.
10. “I’ll give up and move on”
This line expresses a willingness to change, which is good. You might consider adding more details about what you’re moving on from.
11. “From wrongs that I have done.”
This line is clear but could be more evocative. Elaborate on the wrongs to create a more powerful impact.
12. “My treasure it’s all gone”
This line is effective in conveying loss, but you could enhance it by specifying what that “treasure” represents.
13. “The pressure it builds on”
This line creates a sense of pressure but could benefit from more description or context.
14. “Can’t hold it for too long.”
Consider elaborating on what you can’t hold and why.
15. “Nobody who calls me”
This line is clear, but you might want to rephrase it for a smoother flow, like “No one who calls me.”
16. “Act like they don’t know me”
This line expresses a sense of isolation, which is good. You can consider expanding on how it feels when people act like they don’t know you.
17. “I know they want me gone.”
This line is impactful and conveys a strong sense of alienation.
18. “God please,”
This line provides a plea to a higher power, but you could expand on what you’re asking for in more detail.
19. “If you don’t want me to win just let me leave.”
This line expresses a desire for resolution but could benefit from more elaboration on what “winning” means and why leaving is the desired outcome.

Warm Regards

Druze

[Author]

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