Bleeding Ink 12102023

[subhashi.tania]

Love exists without a why,
Who are you to question me?
Being somebody to anybody,
Who thinks no one cares about anybody.

Sunrises were just dawn until I met him.
What do you think?
How could my broken eyes mend
like this without him?

[druze]

Hey Tania,

Thanks for sharing the poem with us. Find my feedback as follows:

1. Love exists without a why,
Consider rephrasing this line to make it more engaging and vivid. For example, “Love thrives without a reason,” or “Love blossoms without rhyme or reason.”
2. Who are you to question me?
This line introduces a confrontational tone, but it’s not clear who the speaker is addressing. To improve clarity, you might consider specifying the subject, such as “Who are you to question our love?” or “Who dares to question love like mine?”
3. Being somebody to anybody,
This line is somewhat vague and could benefit from more specific details or imagery. Try to paint a clearer picture of what it means to “be somebody to anybody.”
4. Who thinks no one cares about anybody.
This line is thought-provoking, but you could make it more impactful by rephrasing it slightly. For example, “In a world where nobody thinks anybody cares.”
5. Sunrises were just dawn until I met him.
This line contains a nice contrast, but you could enhance it by specifying what changed with the introduction of “him.” For example, “Sunrises were mere dawns until his love’s light.”
6. How could my broken eyes mend
This line is poignant but could be more descriptive. To convey a stronger sense of healing, you could try something like, “How did my shattered gaze mend?”
7. like this without him?
Consider adding more context to the concluding line to emphasize the impact of the absence or presence of “him.” For instance, “like this, a desolate world without his touch.”

Regards
Druze

[Author]

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